Surely with(out) Him, I Will Nor Be the Same

I have planned to write this thing since long time ago. This problem is like a hole in my heart and going bigger everyday. I never know what the feeling of having a brother as well as sister. My mother gave birth to me almost twenty-years ago and she never thought for having another baby. I do not know the reason. For almost two decades, I don’t have any chance to ask her. People always say that being the only one child in family is a blessing. But, what I fell so much everyday is loneliness.

However, some people in my life have given me kindness which create some kind of feeling. People probably call it as brotherhood. One of them is Kang Ai. I met him for the first time in Universitas Padjadjaran. He studied there and was helping for an event held by Departement Susastra in Fakultas Ilmu Budaya. After that, he often read books and writed his thesis on English Library in which I currently worked as librarian. He is nice and crazy. Celebrating our friend’s graduating, he wrote a big sentence in a big plain fabric by using spray paint. Then, we put in the written fabric on the second floor of B building so that everyone could see it. It is a kind of action which rarely did in here. At the result, the guard became angry and told us to take back the fabric. However, instead removed it, we moved the fabric to the front of English Library. Haha. It was crazy.

Going (back) to Makassar

Being graduated in Dipati Ukur, Kang Ai should go home. I remember when he order the ticket to Makassar via traveloka in English Library on August. I thought it was the last time I saw him. Strangely, several weeks later, I got an exchange program and it allowed me to study in Univesitas Hasanuddin, Makassar. Therefore, it is miracle I can meet him again.


In Makassar, I was a stranger, not having friends and family. For the first time in my life, I was really far away from home. Again, I feel the loneliness, an eternal enemy of mine. Fortunately, Kang Ai helped me to get rid of it. In the first week, he became a bridge and aid me to know students in Fakultas Sastra. Because of him, I am able to talk with students in Perisai, Perhimpunan Mahasiswa Sastra Inggris. Surprisingly, most of students from all departement recognized him. Thus, I got another friend from Sastra Jepang, Sastra Daerah, and Sastra Indonesia. At the time, I thought, to wash out the loneliness, what I need is friends, a lot of them.

Talking about Thesis

I have a problem since finishing my seminar on April 2015. There is not friend whom I am able to talk about fantasy. When I tried to start discussing about it, my friends did not understand what I am talking about. Even in family, my parents do not understand either. In Makassar, the problem became bigger because it was hard to communicate with both of my lecturers about my thesis. When I tried to read books about fantasy, what come in mind is confusion. It is suck being not understand what you read and cannot talk to someone about it. It seems that I am alone again. This loneliness is hurting! Yet, Kang Ai helped me leaving out from this situation. He often invited me to join the discussion in canteen. There, I was able to share my confusion although not much. He sometimes, gave some comments and asked several questions which oftenly made me realize about the problem in my thesis. In the end, he accompanied me going to the airport. Is it the feeling of having a brother?

Still, I don’t get the feeling of having siblings. However, I found an interesting poem about having a brother named My Brother written by  Vanessa Hernandez . It is probably true.

My Brother is so annoying
My Brother is so sad
My Brother drives me crazy
it makes me wanna go mad.

My Brother makes my father constantly yell
My Brother makes my mother cry
My Brother makes me wanna go die, sometimes…

My Brother is crazy
My Brother is nuts
Sometimes I want to grab him and choke him til’ he goes nuts

Someday I won’t have my brother
and I wish that day will never come

Because surely without him
I will nor be the same



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